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In case of Rapture…

According to the Font of All Wisdom known as ‘The West Wing’, there were two speeches written for the Apollo moon landing: one if they were successful and Americans made history for all humanity (theme: hooray, we are successful and have made history for all humanity!) and a second one if something went wrong and the astronauts couldn’t take off again from the lunar surface and were left to die on worldwide television (theme: Augh. We’re sorry and will fire all of NASA. Oops.). In this spirit, I have prepared the following sermon for Sunday, JUST IN CASE. (Also, ahead there be sarcasm. Just so you know.)

Dear sisters and brothers in Christ.

Today is a special day. A momentous day. I realize it may not feel like that, what with the enormous earthquake that swallowed California last night. That was too bad. Or the swarm of locusts currently blacking out the sun. Also an unfortunate occurrence. And not because of the massive global war that was mysteriously and for no reason whatsoever declared this morning. Though that was something, too. Who’d have thought that Iran, Iraq, and Kim Jong Il would ever agree on anything? Seriously, it’s like the militarized lion and lamb are hanging out together over here!

Just crazy, really.

Anyway,as I said, it’s a momentous day. Mainly, because it’s the day when we mainstream Christians announce, We Have Evidently Been Doing It Wrong.

Yes, indeed, as we sit here, in this bomb shelter, where we’ve had to move, with our bottled water and canned goods, to escape the fallout radiation, I can announce to you, dear friends, that we, and by we, I mainly mean I, was wrong.

I was wrong.

See, I took Jesus seriously all those times he said feed the poor, care for the widow and orphan. Give away all you have, seek first the kingdom, consider the lilies.
Do unto others, love your neighbor, no man has greater love than this, love your enemies, pray for your persecutors, as you have done for the least of these, so you have done for me, and on and on.
And I have urged you to do the same.

What can I say, but whoops?

Clearly, this was my huge mistake. Clearly, I see now, as clearly as I see this mushroom cloud rising over the Peaks, that he was obfuscating his true meaning of esoteric numerology!

We made the simple mistake, my friends, of thinking our Lord and Savior was trying to guide us and humanity through the ages to a better, more loving, more abundant life, when what it turns out he wanted to do was trick us! Trick us with hidden number codes, like Dan Brown, and plots of massive destruction that would make Jerry Bruckheimer weep for joy, so that only incredibly smart insiders would get saved. (I’m not bitter though. Nope, I’m fine.) The truth was there all
along, we were just too simple-minded too see it! God has been tricking us this whole time!

But now that is over, and we finally have the chance to see our awesome action hero God in all his true glory, as he ruthlessly destroys the world he made. Remember when we all thought Jesus came to save the world, not judge or destroy it? Yup, that was a total misdirect! That fourth gospel writer, what a tricky devil!

My friends, we know the truth now. We live not in a complex, creation of a caring deity who sustains each of us with every breath, and came to dwell among us so that we might have life abundant.

This is a Michael Bay movie.